The saga of the Assets Recovery Agency seems to me like an episode of The Apprentice.

On the TV show, SirAlan gives the teams a few hundred pounds, sends them out with a task, and expects them to come back with a profit.

But usually one (or even both) of the teams screws up, and comes back with 8p and a half-chewed biscuit, or something.

Sadly, with the Assets Recovery Agency, it was £65m the team was given - and they came back with a rather paltry £23m, meaning they spent about £2.80 for every £1 they took off the criminals.

That £23m would have been impressive if they’d been selling canned goods in a supermarket carpark for a television show - but less impressive given they were supposed, in David Blunkett’s words, to be

“hitting organised criminals where it hurts”.

Best of all, though, it has emerged that about half of the £23m came from just one “client” who handed over some assets after a process of “negotiation” - he got to keep the rest of his potentially ill-gotten gains, apparently.

And that reminded me of the Comic Relief episode of the Apprentice where Cheryl Tweedy just phoned up her fiance (Ashley Cole) and got him to donate £20,000 or something. It seemed a bit like cheating…

1. Did you know there was a minister Responsible for Identity (seriously - that’s what they’re calling her these days).

2. Did you know she’s not just going to be running ID cards, which you’ll register for at 16, but the whole “check in” to “check out” system, as the Home Office is taking over the General Records Office, registrars of birth, deaths and marriage. Essentially they’ll be tracking you from cradle to grave.

The wonderful John Lettice dissects the decision so brilliantly I can only quote:

The uncontentious register that previously existed will, as of next April, be run by an organisation which proposes to make money out of compiling and continually updating the “biographical footprint” of every live individual in the UK.

Don’t forget, they’re going to be merrily selling all that information to government agencies and private companies alike through the planned identity verification service. As John concludes:

If you’re thinking of getting born any time after Q1 2008, you might like to consider doing it somewhere else.